This morning is grey, grey, grey, and rainy. There is a chill in the air that takes you back to Fall. Where we should be. I used to hate driving in the rain. It would actually cause me anxiety! I remember in my youth, driving from my great grandma Maggie’s house. It was raining so hard you just couldn’t see. I remember driving down the road ((one lane going each way) and thinking I would die because I just couldn’t see and there wasn’t a shoulder to drive onto, wait for the rain to die down. Eventually I forced myself off the road, just kissing a line of trees. Couldn’t tell you how long I waited.
I thought about that after dropping my daughter of at school. Boston’s, More Than a Feeling came on. I love that song. I needed something cheer me out of my gloom.
John passed away two mornings ago and another resident, M. Passed away yesterday. Her trio of daughters came through the door and I greeted them as I always do. Funny how they all looked different but you could tell they were sisters, that they were her daughters. Three phases of M. I asked how they were (the youngest spoke) and she mouthed my mother passed today. I wasn’t expecting it. I thought she would just tell me how she was doing and we would exchange our usual but genuine pleasantries. It also took me a moment, thank you MS fog, to remember whose mother we were referring to. I’d forgotten that M was in hospital and last I read she wasn’t nearing death. But that is how it is at what I will call Serenity Gardens.
You are reminded daily of aging, of the breaking down of body, of mind. Of death. Unless you are hard as quartz, you are softened. Memento Mori.
They say death comes in threes. Last night, a few of us wondered who would be next. Someone mentioned a name. It did hurt. They could be right. He had a doctor’s appointment and hadn’t yet returned.
A line: I’ve read it’s a bad omen to grieve before the body gives
I am home. It is raining harder now. The sidewalks are flooding, potholes filling. Everything standing is silhouette. I am burning a candle someone gifted me. The name: Calm. I need it today.
I'm sorry for all these losses. Much love to you.